Too much for Heaven, too little for Hell...

It's been many months since my stomach acted the way that it is now.
And it's been many months since my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest.
It seems as though my heart, my stomach, and my soul are all inexplicably interconnected.
I used to be able to hone in on you.
Kind of like seeing the light of a star even though I am billions of miles from it.
But over the past few months, I couldn't seem to break through.
I thought you had left.
I thought you were living on sunny beaches in sunny places, dating some brunette with a penchant for being simple.
Some brunette who doesn't even know what penchant means, actually.
But no.
Something far worse has happened.
It took me a long while to get used to the idea of you being gone. 
But I did it.
I had to.  For my own sanity, I had to.
And for the first time in over 9 years, I was over you.
And then I hear what you are doing to yourself.
And I hear that you are tempting fate in the most unwise way possible.
Stick a gun to your head, my love.
Because with every prick of that needle, what you plan to do is far worse than blowing your brains out.
I know that you have never thought that you deserved my love.
I know that you think that I would be ashamed of you.
And I tell you this now, hoping that you will hear me:
Never once in the decade that I have known you,
Never once in all of the thousands of hours we have spent side by side,
Never once in all of the times we kissed and laughed and cried,
Have I EVER been ashamed of you.
Never once.
And I sure as hell am not ashamed of you now.
I am, however, completely and totally terrified.
I don't think I have ever been this scared in my life,
Nor have I ever been more determined to seek you out and wrench the syringe from your hand if need be. 
I have a duty to myself to save that precious sanity of mine that I spoke of earlier.
And I cannot do that with you six feet under.
I will not play the widow in this tragedy.
I refuse.
And that is exactly who I would be.
The grieving "wife", collapsed on top of your grave, beating the earth with her fists and begging God to tell her why.
"Why didn't he see?"
"Why didn't he try?"
"Why didn't he listen?"
"Why didn't he........."
So if you think you are going to get out the easy way, you are sadly mistaken.
I don't give up easily and I won't give up on you.
We may never be together ever again,
At least not in this lifetime.
But I couldn't care less about that.
We may never love one another like we did in years past,
But that ultimately means nothing.
Because if I have to,
I will drag you back from St. Peter's gate or the 9th Circle of Hell.
And there is not a damn thing you can do that will stop me.
I love you too much to watch you slip and fall beneath the waves of this.
I know that I alone cannot save your soul. 
But I can sure as fuck try.